“Good morning, I’m Tony Abbott”.

“?????? ???? (dobroe utro), I am Vladimir Putin – but you can call me Vlad!”

“Oh, please call me Tony!”

“Tell me, Tony, what is the meaning of this word being used so regularly in Australia – shirtfronting?”

“That word, oh, yes, it’s just a rhetorical term for a greeting. It means we have to have a hard discussion about one of our concerns”.

“And what concern is that, Tony?”

“Well, Vlad, I have information the missile that destroyed Malaysian Airlines MH17 over the Ukraine killing 298 people was of Russian origin. I really think you should offer an apology to the families who lost their loved ones. And I know that my friend Barack Obama would also like to see you apologise.”

“So Tony, that is shirtfronting! Although you haven’t shown me your evidence and I don’t know if it really was a Russian weapon, I think I could consider, just consider, the possibility of making an apology on one condition”.

“A condition, Vlad? It should be unconditional. What condition?”

“If I am to offer an apology for a Russian weapon being used to kill nearly 300 people on July 17, I assume you will help me to shirtfront Barack for the US weapons used to kill innocent women and children as well.

“On August 1 your western newspaper, ‘The Guardian’, reported 1400 killings of Palestinians by Israelis, all happening through the period of the MH17 disaster. Many, many of these people were killed by American weapons. Shall we shirtfront Obama together? Or do you think he might be quite happy to make an apology?”

“Barack Obama! Ask him to make an apology? The American President? For weapons used by the Israeli military? It is quite different from shooting down an airliner”.

“Tony, at the same time as that terrible disaster of MH17, close to fivefold the number of people were killed in Gaza. You haven’t argued that they were not killed by American weapons! I don’t think you’ve explained the difference”.

“Well, Vlad. I have made it very clear to Australians that we are not happy with the intent of Russia to take over the Ukraine. The Crimea has already been in your sights and clearly you are making a move on Eastern Ukraine as well”.

“So, if I understand you correctly, Tony, you believe that people should not be able to vote. They should not be able to have self-determination! I grew up in the dictatorships of Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev. Are you suggesting a similar approach for the Ukraine? Look at the support from the overwhelming majority of people in the Crimea to reject Ukraine and come to Russia – 95.5 per cent. And now look at Donetsk and in Luhansk, Al Jazeera reports around 90 per cent of support for joining with Russia. Have you ever had that sort of support? Considering my background as head of the Federal Security Service it is interesting that I need to lecture you about democracy”.

“That’s not how the Western media is reporting it, you know that Vlad.”

“I know Tony and I really like the idea of the shirtfront. It is really just another word for what we used to do in the FSB.”

“No, no, it’s just rhetoric.”

“Either way, Tony, let’s start working together. Let’s go and shirtfront Barack”.