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Canberra Today 14°/19° | Friday, March 29, 2024 | Digital Edition | Crossword & Sudoku

Conolly / The resolute march on to magnificence

AH, the New Year. That halcyon period when it is entirely possible that plans to be an Olympic athlete with a side business in neurosurgery and a hedge fund the size of an azalea in bloom will be realised by the end of 2015.

Pip Conolly.
It is with this focused fervour in mind that I revised my own pledges to clean the scum off the fish pond, eat more almonds and flip the mattress more than once in the next 12 months to more closely reflect complete global, if not universal, domination.

I resolve to do something big with my life in 2015. No, scrap that. Make it something monumentally huge weighted with intellectual prowess and importance. I think I will rewrite Newton’s first law of motion in Gaelic. Backwards. Or start, and finish, a PhD analysing the pejorative use of plutocracy in the final episode of “Friends”. Or maybe I’ll do two PhDs to give myself a broader focus. I also think it might be the year to run for parliament. Or at least run at it. Or through it. Whatever works, really.

I must also broaden my social media presence. I will post two photos a day taken in places with unpronounceable names, my arm slung casually around a 100-year-old Norse yak farmer or a Franciscan monk who paints diptychs in the Hebrides. I will tweet, snap and flit like the fickle creature I am in 2015 across every available platform. I will be a social media force de rigueur and the world will be awestruck by the witty commentary that will flow from my sleep-deprived brain. Narcissism will guide me through 2015 and it will all be about me. Not you, though. Just me.

I must also drink more juice. In 2015, I will practically swim in nutrient-dense juice laden with bitter, green leaves and mystical superberries biodynamically farmed by descendants of the Incas in the Andean foothills. And I will definitely eat more maca powder. Or was it chia? Or chia-flavoured maca powder? Oh, dear. I can’t keep up and it’s only January.

I am going to crowdfund something. Everything. I will crowdfund my next toothbrush and that epic novel I am yet to write about the rise and fall of, well, me. I might gloss over the fall, though.

I will meditate all day and night and epigenetically rearrange my quantum physical self. And then I’ll post photos of my reconstructed self on Fakebook and Instatwit. And with my newfound sense of inner tranquility, I will be more environmentally friendly and reuse the kids bathwater to make my tea.

Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go and have a long lie down. 2015 is shaping up to be quite exhausting, actually.


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