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Coleman / A winner under the hammer

THERE are some people who should never go to auctions. I’m one of them.

Chris Coleman
Chris Coleman.

I’m far too impulsive. I’ll see something that I’ve never previously wanted (and don’t need) about to go under the hammer and suddenly I’ll envisage it in my life.

I also know that when the hammer falls and the auctioneer points at me, I’m a winner!

I don’t think the kids were the biggest fans of the pine bunk beds, even though they were a bargain. Maybe if they’d been varnished or painted it would have been different.

The box of “assorted compact discs” bought “as is” after a record store had a torrent of water through the roof? They turned out to be largely a box of CD cases containing papier-mache remains of the CD booklets and very little else. Although the Dutch cover  of a Kinks album proved more interesting than I expected.

And the “autographed print poster” of the Australian cricket team – which is what I thought I’d heard – that turned out to be a “poster with printed autographs” was a snip at $200. At least it looked good on the man cave wall. And I was a winner!

It was repeated purchases like these that led me to avoid auctions for a few years. Then, about 20 years ago, a friend showed me some of the stuff he’d picked up cheap on the internet. Yes! Online auctions! Where could this possibly go wrong?

Fortunately for my bank balance, and my decor, I was taken out of many auctions by “snipers”.

That’s what they call them, snipers; people who dive in at literally the last second to make a higher bid on the item you’re winning. I’m told this is a major breach of online auction etiquette. Needless to say, once this behaviour was explained to me, I was all over it like a cheap suit.

Gee, I bought some rubbish over the next few years. But I got it before anyone else did. I was a winner!

Eventually, maybe a couple of dozen largely unnecessary purchases later, I became tired with the hyper-competitive nature of online auctions. I mean, just how many model coffee cups with your favourite band painted on them do you really need? Fortunately, my favourite band is also the favourite of both my sisters and one of my brothers. That made for some easy birthdays.

Having largely tamed my impulsive ways, all I fear now is the silent auction. Ever noticed that they usually occur at classy events where there’s just enough alcohol served to loosen your resolve not to bid?

And just enough alcohol served to make me reassess my concept of a bargain.

“It’s worth two grand, yeah, I’ll really get it for a hundred…”

“What? Someone’s bid $150? I’ll show them. $500. Bam!”

“Another glass of bubbles? Don’t mind if I do. He’s bid $700? Does this clown think I’m soft? $851. That extra dollar will put him off, for sure…”

Yes, I get competitive. Against someone I’ve never met.

In the end, I’m sure spending $1900 for a $2000 voucher still counts as a bargain. I don’t count that I had to spend another thousand to actually buy something with it. You see, I still walked out a winner. Poorer, yes, but still a winner…

Chris Coleman is the drive presenter on 2CC.

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