HIGGINS couple Bonnie and Steve Carter decided to try and start a family but their first baby, Grace, was stillborn at 19 weeks.

She was diagnosed with a severe heart deformity and while Steve and Bonnie knew they had a sick baby, they didn’t understand the extent.

“We were pretty naive,” says Bonnie, 35.

This was in 2016 and the couple were in steady jobs, Bonnie as a public servant and Steve as a tradesman, and prepared to do anything to bring Grace home safely.

They were sent to Westmead Children’s Hospital in Sydney with the hope that it could be fixed and they’d bring Grace home.

“Grace had hypoplastic left heart syndrome. She had half a heart, and the right side of the heart was messed up too, with leaky valves.”

Bonnie was induced at 19 weeks and the doctors told her it was just bad luck, they were right to try again.

“We started trying again a year later, gave ourselves time to grieve and we fell pregnant. You just don’t think anything bad can happen again,” says Bonnie.

Their second baby, Matilda, had a perfect heart at the 18-week scan, and they were excited.

“At 23 weeks, I went to hospital on my own for a standard appointment. I’d felt Matilda kick earlier that day so I wasn’t worried,” says Bonnie.

The midwife couldn’t hear a heartbeat and brushed it off as machine error, so Bonnie was moved into the sonography room.

“They did the full scan and that’s when they said there’s no heartbeat. It was just like that and I screamed the place down,” she says.

Matilda was stillborn at 23 weeks, and the autopsy showed that she was perfectly healthy. The possible issue was a poor placenta that stopped her from growing.

“We were in the minority of minorities again,” says Bonnie.

Throughout the losses, Steve said the support was primarily for the mother, and he felt helpless.

“You feel so helpless. Everyone was fussing over Bonnie and I was just in the corner. What could I do to help? Who was going to help me?”

Since then, the couple, who have been married for eight years, have had two more losses, early miscarriages.

After the loss of Grace, Bonnie and Steve worked hard to create change and raise funds, beginning with the City2Surf.

“Steve and I are not fitness freaks, but we thought it would be good. Not just to fundraise, we were still in the midst of grief and we thought a 14-kilometre walk would do us good,” says Bonnie.

“Being proactive is what really helps us heal, takes our mind off things,” says Steve, 41.

Through the City2Surf, they raised $2800. Through Bears of Hope, 28 teddy bears and packages were tagged with Grace’s name, to be given to families going through a similar loss.

Bonnie and Steve have worked with Bears of Hope since, hosting events like a bereaved mothers’ high tea, as well as raising money for different charities through events with a focus on fathers.

“We bought a race car just after we lost Grace and Steve participated in the HeartKids HillClimb, that was a way of Steve regaining his sense of self again, and giving back at the same time, and then we did the Father’s Day car show as well,” says Bonnie.

The Father’s Day car show was small because of COVID-19, so Bonnie and Steve have plans to make it a bigger event as the pandemic settles.

“It’ll help men realise they’re not alone. If Steve gets up there on a microphone and says a few words and one of the dads in the audience goes home feeling a little bit better, that’s what it’s all about,” says Bonnie.

She says she’s grateful for all the awards she has won, most recently the Order of Australia Medal, but she feels guilty.

“Steve is just as much part of the journey. He should be up there getting a medal with me. When I won the Lifeline Rising Woman of Spirit Award I told Steve he was the Rising Man of Spirit.”

When they lost Matilda, they wanted something different for her funeral.

“Flowers die and we are reminded that everything dies,” says Bonnie, so they asked for donations for the Canberra Hospital Foundation.

“It was Steve’s idea. I can’t remember how much we fundraised, but it was enough for us to renovate a whole room in the Fetal Medicine Unit.”

They repainted it, put in new flooring, furniture, shelving and plants.

“We don’t do it for recognition,” says Steve, and Bonnie agrees.

They have worked on bringing an Early Pregnancy Loss Certificate to the ACT. On October 15, for International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, they have organised for buildings around Canberra to be lit up in pink and blue, and they have spoken at a Senate enquiry into stillbirth research and education, which became the National Stillbirth Action Plan.

And, in 2021, they got their rainbow baby Evie.

“A rainbow reminds you that there was a storm before, but now the sun is out again,” says Bonnie.

“We’ve made the most perfect baby. Maybe we’ve taken our bullets for society and it’s our turn,” says Steve.