“You have to love the Irish for their view of life and sense of humour,” writes “Whimsy” columnist CLIVE WILLIAMS.

THE population of Ireland and Northern Ireland is only about seven million, but worldwide 70-80 million people are of Irish origin.  

I’m fortunate to have Irish relatives, some of whom still live in Ireland.

The Irish left Ireland in huge numbers during the 19th century due to a combination of factors, including the devastating effects of the Great Famine, economic hardships, lack of opportunities, political and religious factors and the lure of better prospects in other countries – including Australia. 

In the 2011 census, some 2,087,800 Australians or 10.4 per cent of the Australian population self-reported some Irish ancestry.

Countries where life has been tough often have a good sense of humour, presumably to make life more bearable.

Some stories told to me by Irish acquaintances:

A garda (policeman) is driving down O’Connell Street in Dublin when he sees two men urinating in an alley. He parks the patrol car and proceeds over to them, pulling out his notebook. He asks the first man for his name and address. The man replies, “I’m Paddy O’Toole of no fixed abode.” 

The garda turns to the second man and asks the same question. He replies, “I’m Aidan O’Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy.”

“Eathan’s missus arrives at the Cork Hospital Emergency Department, ready to give birth to their first child. When they arrive, the duty nurse asks, “How dilated is she, sir?”. Eathan replies, “Delighted? – why, she’s over the feckin’ moon!”

Sheamus drops into the local pub on his way back home from visiting the local doctor. “What’s the problem?” Orla asks, when she sees the sad look on Sheamus’s face. 

“I haven’t been feeling myself lately,” Sheamus replies. “Well, that’s good” says Orla “To be sure, you’d no doubt be arrested for less!”

An English lawyer is meeting with his Irish client. “Finley” he sighs, “why is it that whenever one asks an Irishman a question, he replies with another question?” “That’s bollocks,” replies Finley, “who told you that?”

The village knows Cormac is seeing a visiting physician. Afterwards Cormac arrives at the pub and orders seven shots of Irish whiskey and a pint of Guinness. When the barman returns with the pint, all the shots of whiskey have been drunk. 

“Ah here, you drank those quickly,” says the barman.

“Well,” says Cormac, “If you had what I have you’d have drunk them quickly, too.” 

“By the living saints” says the concerned barman, “what do you have?” “Only five pounds,” replies Cormac.”

Finn and Cillian are working for the local council. Finn digs a hole and Cillian fills it in. Then they move to the next street and do the same, working steadily all day. 

A passerby calls over to Finn: “I don’t get it – why do you dig a hole, only for the other lad to fill it in?” 

Finn wipes his brow and sighs deeply: “Well, you see, we’re normally a three-man team. But today, Ronan, who plants the trees, phoned in sick.”

Liam from Kilkenny meets with his doctor who says “Look, Liam. I’ve some bad news and some terrible news for you.” 

“My God, what’s the bad news?” asks the patient. “Well,” replies the doctor, “the diagnosis from Dublin is that you only have three days to live.” 

“You’re joking,” says the patient, “how on earth can there be worse news than that?” 

“Well,” says the doctor, “I’ve been trying to get hold of you for the past two days.”

Recently in the UK “The Daily Telegraph” ran a series of letters by readers with experience of Irish humour and their relaxed attitude to life.

Some examples:

• Parish notice: “The church fete will be held in the morning if it rains in the afternoon.”
• Traveller asks local villager: “How far is it to the next village?” “About three miles – but if you’re quick you can do it in two.”

• Traveller asks local villager “How does one get to Kilkenny?” “Well, that would depend on where you start from.”

• Cian and Ronan are on opposite sides of the River Lee in Cork. “How do I get to the other side of the river?” shouts Cian to Ronan. “Sure, you don’t need to, you’re already on the other side” replies Ronan.

• A visitor to Niall’s house notices all four clocks are on different times. He/she/it asks: “Why do you have four clocks on different times?” “Well,” says Niall “there’d be no point in having four clocks if they were all on the same time, would there?”

Clive Williams is a Canberra columnist. More of his “Whimsy” columns are here.