“Many progressive Canberrans have asked me how they can virtue-signal that they are down with all the black folk they generally have nothing to do with,” writes RACIAL GUBBA-GAMMON, ACT Minister for Indigenous Affirmations.

A LOT of people don’t realise that, as well as being queen bitch for ACT Health, I am also boss lady for the blak mob here in Canberra. 

Mind you, I tend to steer clear of interacting too much with them. They can be a bit negative. Plus, you know… germs and stuff. I find it much more effective to attend “Yes” rallies with like-minded white people. It just feels that little bit more… cleaner. 

But with the upcoming Voice referendum, many progressive Canberrans have asked me how they can virtue-signal that they are down with all the black folk that they generally have nothing to do with. 

This Voice thing has just bought up all the guilt again. All those terrible atrocities where their white ancestors either turned bad or turned away. I just tell them, hey, I’m responsible for the ACT having the highest incarceration ratio of Aboriginal people anywhere in the country, but you don’t see me being troubled by it. 

Nor am I bothered that over 80 per cent of ACT indigenous citizens have long-term health problems, or that the ACT’s own indigenous Voice to parliament has achieved bugger all. Unless they are bad things done by a Liberal government, all these facts and figures should be tossed out of your head like the thoughts of buying a non-EV car. As progressives, we are on the side of the angels. 

Instead, think of all the mighty things you have done to make a difference to the lives of your indigenous brothers and sisters. Like not booing Adam Goodes. Buying that Jimmy Little record he did with Kylie Minogue. Wearing a Midnight Oil T-shirt (they have black friends, Albo tells me). Cheering Cathy Freeman at the Olympics. Watching Rachel thingo in that TV show. I mean, the list goes on. You deserve to be congratulated, not castigated! 

That’s because, being a progressive, you have taken on the eternal white man’s burden – selflessly shouldering the weight of indigenous hardship for your poorer racial cousins. And, if you do it right, being a white saviour will make you feel warm inside and maybe even a bit edgy. Like you’re into hip-hop or something. Well, up to a point. 

It’s still such a shame that they can’t control all the ugly stuff and be like those slick African-Americans we see on TV. Then they could actually hang out with us and talk about Teslas and amazeballs restaurants, and we could show them off as our black friends. In time, in time. 

Now, in the lead up to the Voice referendum, you are also bound to be confused by the complexity of different indigenous arguments. You’ve probably heard Jacinta Nampijinpa Price and thought, “actually, she makes some good points”. Or thought, “Nyunggai Warren Mundine was once the president of the ALP (before the ALP dudded him), how conservative can he be?” You may even be tempted to find Linda Burney boring or want details on how the Voice will work in practice. Stop! That way lies madness. Just stick to the vibe of the thing and put a sticker on your car. 

But what’s the explanation for those indigenous people not sticking to the plan? Well, some black folk, like poor little Jacinta and Warren, can get led astray by racists. Their feeble minds become confused, I’m afraid. It’s always the way with some of them. Like here in Canberra, they can’t even decide whether they’re Ngunnawal or Ngambri! 

But it’s simple. Come October 14, you all just need to vote “yes” so we can save our embattled Alborigines. I mean, Albo is something of a tribal warrior himself – turning the possibility of a workable bipartisan outcome into a nasty political battle in order to wedge Dutton. As he says, he lives to fight Tories. And, after all, that’s what’s important at the end of the day. 

Now, all that awaits is for the black folk to thank us. Preferably not in person, though.

Full Disclosure: The Shush Capital will be voting “Yes” despite how terribly the case has been prosecuted.

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