“Now we have completely rooted Canberra Hospital, what next?” wonders our restless Dear Leader* in one of his infrequent, though exclusive columns. 

RUNNING down a public hospital isn’t easy. It takes years of neglect and mismanagement to reach the depths that we have achieved in the ACT.  

But now we have completely rooted Canberra Hospital, what next?  Well, when I was in the shower the other week, I took the notion of having a red-hot-go at stuffing up Calvary Hospital as well.  

Drying myself off with a towel, I got on the phone to my spinners and told them to whip up some semblance of a policy and that I would be there in half an hour to hold a press conference. 

So, what’s our cooked-up justification for taking over a comparatively better-run hospital? 

Well, Calvary is run by the insidious Catholic Church. These are the men in dresses who hate men in dresses, whereas we, more progressively, represent the men in dresses who hate those other men in dresses. Our differences couldn’t be clearer.  

It’s time to replace the church’s conservative, narrow-minded approach with a more intolerant, left-wing approach in keeping with how we rigidly think rather than how they rigidly think.  

As everyone in the inner-north knows, you can either think like us or simply be wrong.  

So, for example, while Calvary Hospital may draw the line at something like abortion, we draw the line at them not taking the issue of plastic straws more seriously. Don’t they know that a single plastic straw can kill a dolphin or baby seal in Lake Burley Griffin? Their lack of concern for Canberra’s native marine life is shocking.   

Anyway, I’ve appointed Nurse Rach and a bevy of Melbourne marketing consultants to sort it all out. Best to have it done by the professionals rather than those whiny doctors and nurses who just want to moan on about working conditions and outcomes. We don’t need their negativity, thank you very much. 

But my reign of error doesn’t stop there. There are still many institutions in the ACT who persist in not thinking like I do.   

So, after we buy out Calvary, I will acquire all ACT property developers.  Sure, they’ve been doing okay of late wrecking the place, but I need them to gentle the frickin’ urbanism out of everywhere, pronto. Every Canberran, except us MLAs, needs to live in a concrete shoebox and that’s all there is to it.  

After that, I plan to buy Bentspoke and Capital Brewing and have them make a single ACT beer named after me. I mean, if Albo and Hawkie can have their names on a hip beer, then I should, too! The names currently in the mix are the Cranky-Shafter and the Andy Fail Ale. 

Then I’ll buy the internet from whoever owns that and have it only show things that I like. Likewise with all the TV stations and papers. With us owning all the media, we may at last get some proper diversity of opinion!     

Then on to books. Just as John Cleese insisted that the gannet be expurgated from Olsen’s “Standard Book of British Birds” because he didn’t like the way they wet their nests, I too will embark on a comprehensive revision of all books in Canberra libraries.  

My particular disgust at the moment is the body shaming that goes with Eric Carle’s “The Very Hungry Caterpillar”.  No wonder fewer and fewer ACT caterpillars are turning into butterflies. Not that they should be compelled to do so, either. #letcaterpillarschoose

But speaking of John Cleese, that reminds me. We need to stop him from performing in Canberra. I thought he had been cancelled years ago but, apparently, he still puts himself out there as a comedian. When will jokers like him realise that comedy has no place in modern life?! 

To laugh at life is to accept that things often don’t work in the way we’d like them to. And I would sternly remind everyone, with a fine if necessary, that nothing of the sort occurs in the ACT.

*Sorry, not really him at all. 

Hospital takeover raises an enormous red flag

Calvary letters / Government plays with people’s lives