Whimsy columnist CLIVE WILLIAMS pads up for a session about the Ashes and why a cricket match matters.

NO doubt most Australians and middle-class Brits have been glued to their TV sets following the gripping Ashes tests in England, including of course the women’s five days Ashes match, won by Australia.

There have been 72 Ashes series since 1887: Australia has won 34, England 32, and six have been drawn.

The Ashes tests have always been incredibly popular. For the current men’s Ashes series, all seats had been sold out for the first four days of all five tests before the series started. 

Cricket lovers are wary about committing to the fifth day because it could be money wasted. An Ashes test is programmed to last five days, with both sides batting twice, but if one side collapses it can be over sooner.

The rise of women’s cricket is an exciting development. I found in the past that most women of my acquaintance had little interest in cricket, and seemed not to appreciate how critical Ashes cricket is to the overall relationship between England and Australia – as it is to the overall relationship between other cricketing nations.

Cricket can even be a distractor from conflict. If India and Pakistan did not play each other aggressively at cricket, there would probably have been a lot more than three conflicts between them.

Americans can’t see much merit in a match that lasts for five days unless it’s golf. They generally like team games to be resolved expeditiously, and then move on. This lack of patience is reflected in much of what they do internationally. 

Sometimes it’s beneficial and gets things done, but it means that Americans don’t comprehend countries that are happy to drift along, allowing contentious issues to be resolved by the passing of time – cases in point being China and Taiwan, and Australia and republicanism. If China had invented cricket, matches would no doubt last for months, if not years.

What non-aficionados don’t understand about cricket is that it’s strategic, like a game of chess, with many variables – of weather, individual performance, condition of the ball, state of the wicket, atmospherics between (and within) teams, etcetera. The many variables can cause a team’s fortunes to wax and wane, day-by-day, over a five-day match.

One of the beneficial aspects of the newer limited-over cricket (50-overs and T20) is that players have to play more aggressively, which makes for good entertainment. 

Former Ashes players, such as batsman Geoffrey Boycott, who might have blocked every ball for many boring hours in order to gain a draw would not now be tolerated. Perhaps the intensive media coverage, sponsorship deals and lucrative Indian Premier League are also responsible for a beneficial trend to livelier and more entertaining cricket.

Many insightful politicians, commentators and players have commented on the great game:

“Cricket civilises people and creates good gentlemen. I want everyone to play cricket in Zimbabwe; I want ours to be a nation of gentlemen.” –brutal dictator Robert Mugabe

“It’s a funny kind of month, October. For the really keen cricket fan it’s when you discover that your wife left you in May.” –writer Denis Norden

“I tend to think that cricket is the greatest thing that God ever created on earth – certainly greater than sex, although sex isn’t too bad either.” –playwright Harold Pinter

“The other advantage England have got when Phil Tufnell is bowling is that he isn’t fielding.” –cricketer Ian Chappell

“Shane Warne’s idea of a balanced diet is a cheeseburger in each hand.” –cricketer Ian Healy

“Oh God, if there be cricket in heaven, let there also be rain.” –politician Alec Douglas-Home

“I can’t really say I’m batting badly. I’m not batting long enough to be batting badly.” –cricketer Greg Chappell

“I don’t ask Kathy to face [fast bowler] Michael Holding. So I don’t see why I should be changing nappies.” –cricketer Ian Botham on family life

“A very small crowd here today. I can count the people on one hand. Can’t be more than 30.” –commentator Michael Abrahamson

Brian Johnston was a BBC cricket commentator noted for bloopers:

• “There’s Neil Harvey standing at leg slip with his legs wide apart, waiting for a tickle. The bowler’s Holding, the batsman’s Willey.”
• “On the first day, Logie decided to chance his arm and it came off.”
• “Ray Illingworth has just relieved himself at the pavilion end.”
• “Welcome to Worcester where you’ve just missed seeing Barry Richards hitting one of Basil D’Oliveira’s balls clean out of the ground.”

Meanwhile, my application to become a member of the Sydney Cricket Ground should be approved this year; I submitted it in 1982!

Clive Williams is a Canberra columnist