All these facts have got to stop, we’re rebranding

“What Canberrans are really yelling at me, is how tired they are of the current branding of Canberra Health Services. Much-needed logos and letterheads will soon be available to all chronic health sufferers,” writes ACT Minister for Declining Health Services RACHEL STEPHEN-SMITH*.

I HAVE grown tired of the relentless factual allegations levelled at the ACT health system by so-called “experts”, such as the Productivity Commission and medical professionals. 

This endless stream of empirical evidence and damning statistics needs to stop. 

That’s not to say things can’t be improved. But when I’m not getting flustered trying to avoid people, what Canberrans are really yelling at me, is how tired they are of the current branding of Canberra Health Services. That is why I am pleased to announce an $800,000 distractionary contract to rebrand health services in the ACT. 

This will mean much-needed logos and letterheads will soon become available to all chronic health sufferers across Canberra and that ACT Health staff will have yet another government manoeuvre to roll their eyes at. 

It will also mean the introduction of new meaningless catchphrases to counter public criticism and some inscrutable logo that patients can squint at in painful incomprehension as they lay dying on a hospital gurney in Emergency. But more importantly, it will mean more jobs for marketing wankers in Melbourne.

Now, the negative nellies out there might ask how we came up with such a pointless waste of public money. Well, it wasn’t just Canberra Health Services CEO, Dave Peffer, freestyling, like one of his raps (a glorious sight to see on the CHS Feel Good Videos Facebook group). No, it was much less rigorous than that. 

Dave was inspired by the recent CIT contracts, where millions of ACT money was given to a mountain climber in exchange for some management gobbledygook. 

Dave quite rightly thought: “Instead of fixing the myriad of problems with ACT Health, let’s hire a team of overpaid consultants to help us navel gaze for the next nine months.” 

I know I’m not alone in being excited about the amazing lint we might find in Dave’s belly-buttoning excursion. 

Internally, the rebranding is known as Operation Band-Aid, and we are hoping it will plaster over the many festering sores that riddle our bloody terrible health system. 

For, as many will know, we will shortly be entering the period that traditionally puts the most pressure on ACT services – the lead-up to an ACT election. 

Obviously, in order for us to be re-elected, we will need to bombard Canberrans with lots of feel-good “public service” advertisements that reinforce how good the ACT government is in spinning the truth.

Readers would appreciate that the alternative is to stare forlornly into the haggard face of reality and be deeply ashamed by our failings. As I tell Dave, “that way lies madness”. 

By this stage, you may be asking: “How can I get involved in this profligate spin-fest?” 

Don’t worry, you already are. Your rates and taxes are currently being recklessly stuffed into the pockets of managerial hipsters in Melbourne, faster than you can say “on-brand experiential ideation”. 

Why Melbourne? That’s because these Victorian blurb-blatherers held up a “Poo Morrison” placard at a climate rally last year. As the history tweets will tell you, their placard brought down a Tory prime minister. Well, that and one of their bussin’ Tik Tok dances. Just imagine what they can do with a meme in Canberra Hospital!

I hope this finally puts to rest the many founded attacks on the ACT health system by people whose only interest seems to be seeing better outcomes for sick Canberrans. To those people, I say: “Take your facts elsewhere, this is the ACT!” 

So, the next time you’re waiting five hours in Canberra Hospital with a life-threatening condition, have a thought for the incredible spin-work that goes on behind the scenes in Canberra Health Services. 

It may not save your life, but it will make for a better letterhead on your death certificate. 

*Not really.