AS the red carpet is rolled up and the last shattered corflute of champagne is swept into landfill, KEEPING UP THE ACT reflects on this year’s winners of the ACT-cademy Awards…

 Worst Vision – “Nothing Nowhere All At Once”, Labor/Green Noalition

Once again, audiences were astounded by the sheer breadth of incompetence on show from directors Barr and Rattenbury as they embraced everything, everywhere, and delivered next to nothing. 

From zany legislation for pet rocks to hounding downtrodden laundromat operators for unpaid taxes, they were all over the place holding a sausage-fingered middle-finger to ACT citizens. 

Of course, their failure to do anything very well has been a recurring motif in their work, going back to “Bohemian Rapacity” and “There Will Be Duds”. But, led by an ensemble cast of truly underwhelming performers, “Nothing Nowhere All At Once” is sure to be their enduring disasterpiece. Well, until the next one, next year.

Runner-Up – “Lack Answer: Wander Forever”, Canberra Liberals

Not to be overlooked in aimless floundering, “Lack Answer: Wander Forever”, is director Elizabeth Lee’s latest effort in the burgeoning Liberal Problematic Monoverse. Her heart-churning pitch for relevance is told through a series of dull press releases and a lot of clucking under her breath. Battling the political wilds of the ACT, Lee sorely needs a better machete to cut through. Unfortunately, her overwhelming nihilism had viewers screaming: “Give us a positive alternative, for God’s sake!”

Worst Actor – “Barr”, Cate Blanchett

Cate Blanchett is no stranger to playing complex men. From Bob Dylan to Richard II, she has shown great talent in bringing out the nuances of extraordinary male figures. 

But in taking on Andrew Barr in “Barr”, she has had to abandon all sense of nuance and depth in order to play an arrogant maestro who deludes himself that he is performing great art, while all the time causing great suffering to those around him. 

Playing a communal narcissist like Barr, Blanchett explores what it means to use power in pursuit of cruel and misguided objectives. Is Barr simply deluded or is he wantonly aware of his actions? As Blanchett dramatically poses:

“To do or not to do?

Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the self-inflicted slings and arrows of our outrageous policies,

Or to take arms against a lake of troubles,

And instead build a tram?”

 Runner-up – “No Women Talking”, Rachel Stephen-Smith and Yvette Berry

This ensemble piece puts nervous plodders Rachel Stephen-Smith and Yvette Berry out of the limelight as they try and avoid any dialogue with ACT citizens and the press. 

Both women hole up in a barn awaiting a “High Noon” moment when a terrible ACT government health scandal is due to break in the morning news. With tin ears and gritted teeth, the two women must decide whether to stay and fix things or bloody get the frig out of there and hope the whole thing blows over. There is no surprise in what decision they take. 

Worst Visual Effects – “All Quiet on the Southern Front”, Labor/Green Noalition

This timeless classic is still relevant, even after 23 years of government platitudes and promises. From the bustling hive of activity in the north, viewers are taken on a grim journey through the wasteland of run-down services and neglect in the war-torn south. 

From Chifley to Calwell, it seems like nothing will ever stop the relentless cycle of ACT government inaction. War may be hell, but try getting something done on Fix My Street.

 Runner-up – “Have-A-Car: The Way of Torture”, Labor/Green Noalition

Funded by Unobtanium, the crazed ideologue, Shane Rattenbury, stops at nothing to ensure Canberra is despoiled with mechanised tramlines. For the peaceful naïve with their cars, life is about to get tough. Best seen in 2D.

Other notable award winners were “Mrs Cheyne Goes to Explain”, “The Babblemens”, and “The Parliamentary Triangle of Sadness”.