In this exclusive (KEEPING UP THE ACT) column, the Minister for Declining Health Services reveals that ACT Health Services will be rebranded as Health-Aren’t-Us to continue the government’s progressive abandonment of health delivery.

AS the ACT minister for Declining Health Services, I’ve been doing my best to avoid public scrutiny lately by hiding behind a lot of bureaucratic hooey. 

Oh, my golly gosh, have you seen all the news stories? It’s brutal out there. When are people going to realise that, with all of our incompetence and the money we have blown on the tram, the ACT government really isn’t in any proper position to provide a health service. 

As I’ve said many times to convince myself in the mirror, the only real answer to improving ACT healthcare outcomes is spin. That’s why I’m giving the wheel a whirl and gambling our last million bucks on lucky try, number seven – rebranding. 

From next month, or sooner if another scandal breaks, ACT Health Services will be rebranded as Health-Aren’t-Us. 

Health-Aren’t Us will be all about continuing our progressive abandonment of health provision in the ACT. We started this year with the outsourcing of urinary tract treatment to chemists and the use of fly-in-fly-out specialists to replace permanent doctors, but now we are going even further.

First cab off the rank, will be just that. From May, our over-costly ambulance service will be replaced by Uber drivers, who will provide much-needed competition in the restrictive emergency-delivery sector. Under UberEMT, patients can choose between Ahmed in the Suzuki Swift or Johnny in the Toyota Camry while they lie bleeding to death waiting for the app to confirm their pick-up address. They’ll also have access to a complimentary bottle of water in the back seat. 

Then in June, we introduce our revolutionary new approach to pain treatment – Score-Fer-Sure. As the ACT has already legalised all known drugs, there is simply no need for our anaesthetists anymore. 

Instead, local drug dealers will be on hand near the bins at the back of Canberra Hospital to administer an exciting range of drug cocktails to suit patient needs. From Magic Mushies to Monkey Dust, our recidivist dealers will have something for everyone. 

This progressive reform will sweep away the staid, old regime of fuddy-duddy specialists determining what drugs were best for people. Let the individual decide, we say! 

Then in July, we tackle all of the palaver with operations. Let me tell you, as someone who spent their childhood using the metal tweezers to remove Charley Horse without setting off the buzzer, doing an Operation isn’t as complicated as the so-called “professionals” would have you believe. That’s why we’ve outsourced all operations in the ACT to the leaders in this field – Hasbro Games. 

Which just leaves us with those pesky nurses. Blah, blah, blah – always complaining that we don’t treat them properly. Who needs them, right? I mean, all they do is respond to patients’ needs. We can get Google Assistant or Alexa to do that. 

And have you seen those smart watches that can monitor your heart rate and blood pressure? Plus, have your kids shown you that ChatGPT? We’re living in the 21st century, people! It’s time for those needy nurses to get over themselves. 

But obviously you can’t get rid of every health professional in the ACT. No, we still need highly-paid specialists to work on the really serious issues such as covering-up things and public relations. I mean, if we didn’t have those people, our whole racket would be exposed. 

At its sclerotic heart, Health-Aren’t-Us is all about individuals taking responsibility for their own health. As I think the biblical saying goes, “complainer, heal thyself”. 

Sick whingers out there need to explore other options before becoming an unnecessary burden on us. Find a crystal pendant that wards away cancer or follow an Insta-influencer who uses camel’s milk as a cure for diabetes. In today’s world, miracle cures abound everywhere. Seeking an evidence-based professional should be a person’s last resort. 

So, stay safe out there and whatever you do, don’t get sick. It plays havoc with our stats.