“When you debate the referendum issues, I hope you find discussing the issues to be safe and heartfelt. I hope you do a lot of listening and get listened to as well,” writes “Kindness” columnist ANTONIO DI DIO. 

THE referendum date has been announced. I hope that the future rains down health, success, love and happiness to indigenous Australians, all of them.

And to non-indigenous Australians, all of them, and to Australians yet to be born or arrive here, and that we all spend less and less time talking about our differences, and more and more taking on each other’s tasks and duties.

The coolest thing as a kid watching Macksville play footy was hearing the Great Matriarchs of our town cheering on their respective grandsons and great nephews in the matches, often on opposing teams. 

“Don’t hit Kenny too hard, Reggie”, was exhorted, among a thousand phrases. The best was “Pick ‘im up Reggie”, when a young man had whacked another in battle, but was then chided to go and lift him back up. God, I loved that. 

Today it’s very normal in league or soccer to watch people decapitate each other, then laugh and hug after the game. In those days, a quiet handshake was it. 

So what I loved was those indigenous boys, whacking each other in willing competition, then picking each other up and laughing straight after. Showed the rest of us what the whole point was, really.

Funny thing, but international cricket could do with a bit of that. Hearing the Test stars at the end of the Ashes this year not being able to organise a drink after the final test in a two-month campaign seemed a bit off to me. Surely many of them must be buddies. Why not show it? The undefeated 1948 Ashes team that toured England featured many players who spent the rest of their long lives staying at each other’s homes when travelling to each other’s country. Sounds kind of like what sport is meant to achieve, right?

If sport is a metaphor for life, then Vince Lombardi’s “winning is the only thing” quote has not established a particularly helpful blueprint for living.

I still love it when a footy player in mid-game whacks another, and then afterwards lifts his opponent up from the ground. 

That’s respecting your adversary as a person, that’s respecting the process, that’s expressing your humanity despite the adversarial nature of the contest, and that the expression of that humanity not only trumps whatever is being argued, but must never be lost in the dispute. 

If you play dirty to win, or abuse your opponent, you haven’t won a damn thing, and you’ve certainly lost something precious.

Decades ago, one of my friends was trying to buy something he shouldn’t have, from a local indigenous boy who shouldn’t have been selling it. 

They were down by the creek and the vendor said: “You don’t want this stuff, mate, let’s do something else”. They lived near to me and each other, and had spent years yabbying and mucking around and in each other’s pockets. 

The buyer was cross and said: ”doesn’t our friendship mean anything?” The vendor, all of 15 but more worldly than I’ll ever be, said yes. And that’s why he was bothering to explain. Don’t do this thing. Bugger off and never seek this again.

I have never stopped admiring that indigenous kid. It would have been so much easier for him to sell or not sell it. But he sat his friend down and explained and cajoled and debated why he was not going to sell him this thing. Because he cared.

Debating a position is no different to telling your kids why they should eat a vegetable or brush teeth – it’s no fun. It’s easier to do nothing. But you have to present your position for the benefit of those you care for. 

When you debate the referendum issues, I hope you find discussing the issues to be safe and heartfelt. I hope you do a lot of listening and get listened to as well. And I hope that, like a thousand debates I’ve had over the years, the person who disagrees with me may actually love and care for me. 

Whatever your view, whatever the outcome, I hope for an Australia that promotes respectful dialogue over important issues, one in which the future rains down gentleness on our media, wisdom on our leaders, comfort to those who escape their shores to ours, and – oh yes – an avalanche of joy, dignity and respect to those of us who have been here a very, very long time.

Antonio Di Dio is a local GP, medical leader, and nerd. There is more of his “Kindness” on citynews.com.au