With April 1 on the horizon, THE CHIEF* exclusively reveals to KEEPING UP THE ACT** that being a genius is hard work and that, praise be, he has a compliant ghostwriter for his upcoming political memoir, “Serious Big-Boy Thinking”.

BEING a genius means putting up with a lot of crap. Just ask Paul Keating. Getting up and holding forth on how China are our good buddies only to have a bunch of journalists ask a lot of impertinent questions such as “how?” and “why?” 

It’s the same with me. Every time I get up and ponder some groovy new thing for the ACT, I have some journo query me on one of our many ACT government failures. As I’ve told them a thousand times, I don’t do the failures. I only do the shiny new stuff that can’t yet be questioned. 

I was beginning to despair that I would ever get a good news story until I met the journalistic love of my life – “Canberra Morning Herald” reporter Jacques Potte. 

Finally, there was a man who understood that, as ACT chief reporter, it was his job to provide flattering stories of me, the ACT Chief. 

Jacques and I have been shamelessly flirting ever since. It simply wouldn’t cross Jacques’ mind to question any of my goofy pondering. Like, when I shared with him my recent thought-bubble on the ACT government funding a new theatrical company to produce progressive political plays. 

Jacques never sought comment from others. Nor did he raise any questions about the appropriateness of funding partisan political works, or that Canberra already had several established theatre companies begging for funding. Instead, Jacques just lovingly crafted my words into a lavish front-page story! 

That’s why I have chosen Jacques to ghostwrite my upcoming political memoir, “Serious Big-Boy Thinking”. Why “Big-Boy?” Well, growing up in parochial Canberra, I’ve always had a chip on my shoulder that I’m not as cool and smart as the real political big-boys. 

You see, my father was a head-sherang in Treasury and we used to go on camping holidays with treasury secretary Ken Henry and his family.

Sitting around the campfire, Ken often sought my view on issues such as macroeconomic reform or quantitative easing, and I would be forced to bullshit some answer. 

That’s when I came up with the concept of banal catchphrases. “I’m for increased Gentle Urbanism, Ken,” I would say or “it’s all about the Missing Middle”. Ken would scratch his head, but wouldn’t dare confront me for fear of looking ignorant. 

Ken was once again scratching his head when I became ACT Treasurer. This really showed my dad and all the old Treasury crew that I was at last one of them; an ego-gnomic wiz with all the numbery thingos. I’m not sure if Ken’s hair loss has coincided with my rise, but those head scratches have certainly taken their toll on his scalp. 

Still, having misplaced confidence and a series of catchphrases isn’t enough to make you a political big-boy. No, for that you need to arrogantly weigh in on national issues, too. 

Fortunately, I have uninformed views on everything. Lately, I’ve been giving Albo and Katy lots of progressive ideas about how to turn the country around. 

Sure, they all have to do with trams and funnelling the Mint into ACT coffers, but the point is I’m stepping up to big-boy politics like a glorified council mayor should. In fact, I even had Albo tell me to keep all my brilliant ideas to myself. Probably, to stop the Liberals from poaching them. 

Anyway, I don’t want to spoil all my secrets for big-boy success. For that, you will need to buy my book. Although, thinking on that now, that doesn’t seem fair to poorer ACT residents. 

Maybe I should use ACT rates to fund a copy for everyone? Or maybe I could serialise it in OurCBR? Or perhaps it could be read aloud as the opening one-man-play for my ACT Government Theatre Troupe? 

Ay Caramba, so many things to ponder! Better give Jacques a call. 

*Not really, not at all, actually.

**Which pokes fun at ACT politics.