“The cemetery was surrounded by a high, spiked metal fence. I eventually managed to climb out – hastened by groaning sounds from dark areas within the cemetery!,” writes Whimsy columnist CLIVE WILLIAMS.

“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” –Woody Allen

I’ve been to many cemeteries in my time, mainly to look at the tombstones. 

A Defence colleague during his exchange posting to London became a “Friend of Highgate Cemetery” and gave me a guided tour. 

Highgate has some well-known residents, including socialist Karl Marx, female novelist George Eliot, author Douglas Adams (The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy), scientist Michael Faraday, actress Jean Simmons, actor Sir Ralph Richardson and sculptor Henry Moore. 

Symbols on tombstones can carry profound meanings. An urn signifies mourning or the soul’s immortality. A broken column represents a life cut short. Angels denote protection, or the soul’s ascension to heaven. Crosses signify faith, resurrection and eternal life. Lillies symbolise purity and innocence, while roses represent love and beauty. Doves indicate peace and the Holy Spirit, while lambs often mark the graves of children. A book can signify the bible, or a person’s scholarly pursuits. 

My most unusual cemetery experience was in Rumania – land of Dracula and Vlad the Impaler. 

I was walking back at dusk to my hotel from a police conference dinner and passed a large cemetery, so of course had to go in and take a look at the tombstones. 

When I tried to leave, I found the only gate had been padlocked. The cemetery was surrounded by a high, spiked metal fence. I eventually managed to climb out – hastened by groaning sounds from dark areas within the cemetery!

The practice of inscribing the deceased’s personal details on tombstones is a tradition that dates back thousands of years. Tombstone inscriptions, also known as epitaphs, serve to honour and remember the deceased, providing a permanent record of their lives. Sometimes they are light-hearted, as with these:

Merv Griffin, the talk show host, has the inscription: “I will not be right back after this message” on his grave. 

William H Hahn Jr’s tombstone in San Francisco laments: “I told you I was sick.”

Mel Blanc was the voice behind many Looney Tunes characters, including Bugs Bunny. His usual sign-off “That’s All Folks” is inscribed on his tombstone. 

Rodney Dangerfield’s tombstone reads: “There goes the neighborhood.”

Margaret Daniels’ epitaph in Richmond, Virginia, reads: “She always said her feet were killing her, but nobody believed her.”

Epitaphs that are critical of the deceased person are less common, but some examples:

17th-century English poet and playwright John Dryden’s epitaph on his wife’s grave reads: “Here lies my wife: here let her lie! Now she’s at rest, and so am I.” 

Thomas Jefferson Beale’s epitaph in Union, West Virginia, notes: “He was a man of unquestioned integrity, although his neighbors never believed it.” 

And a gravestone in England: “Here lies an atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.” 

Advances in technology have allowed more detailed and intricate designs on tombstones, including photographs and even QR codes that link to online testimonials. 

After starting on this Whimsy, I came across a book by Richard Death titled Tombstone Humour. Given the unusual surname of the author, I checked some of the entries and found them to be genuine. I’ve quoted four of the verified violent death epitaphs below:

Sacred to the memory of Major James Brush, Royal Artillery who was killed by the accidental discharge of a pistol by his orderly 14th April 1831.

Well done, good and faithful servant

In Woolwich cemetery, London

Erected to the memory of John MacFarlane 

Drowned in the water of Leith

By a few affectionate friends

Leith churchyard, Lothian

Erected to the memory of John Phillips

Accidentally shot

As a mark of affection by his brother

On a gravestone in Ulster

Blown Upward 

Out of Sight

He Sought the Leak

By Candlelight

On a headstone in Collingbourne Ducis, Wiltshire

I suggest that when you travel internationally you visit a local cemetery. You might find some interesting surprises.

Clive Williams is a Canberra columnist