“Rural India is rather confronting from a modern perspective, with women doing most of the manual labour while the men drive tractors or idle their time gossiping in the shade.” Whimsy columnist CLIVE WILLIAMS takes the motorcycle ride of his life. 

“I went to India and realised that no one in the world could ever be as spiritual as they are… except when it comes to shopping.” –Lindsay Lohan (actress)

Readers of Whimsy will know that I like to travel. 

My latest endeavour combined two interests – motorbikes and Rajasthan – to spend 13 days with Vintage Rides riding a vintage Royal Enfield Bullet motorcycle more than 2000 kilometres in Rajasthan. On a motorcycle you can get to places not accessible to four-wheel vehicles.

Rajasthan (in northwest India) means “The Land of Kings”. It’s scenically varied and spectacular, with mountains, deserts and lakes, numerous forts, palaces, and temples, and varied wildlife – including tigers. Sizewise, it is five times the size of Tasmania or 118 times the size of the ACT. 

Why a Royal Enfield? They are now made in India, still to the original 1950s British design. My bike was a fairly new 500cc model. Royal Enfields are popular in India because they are reliable and easy to maintain. 

I expected the trip to be challenging and it was that – and more. 

Indian roads vary between excellent multiple-lane concrete roads (that motorcycles aren’t allowed on) to rural ones that are just dirt or gravel with very large potholes. I broke the axle on one road. After a day on the roads your kidneys certainly know all about it. A particular road hazard is the speed bump that can be big, small or multiple. They are rarely indicated – so particularly deadly for motorcycles. 

Animal hazards included wandering cows, water buffaloes, goats, pigs, camels, elephants, mongeese, monkeys, horses, dogs, oxen, donkeys, lizards and deer. I saw no sheeps. Along with the dead animals on the road there are many unseen bodies by the roadside – but obvious from the smell. My brother-in-law hit a cow that leapt out from the side of the road. Fortunately, neither he nor the cow suffered major damage. 

We were riding with a group of Frenchmen who suffered two accidents, one of which caused the rider to be hospitalised. 

Another challenge was the heat. If you’re wearing heavy duty European protective bike gear in 35-degree temperatures, it’s somewhat like being in your own mobile sauna. 

Rural India is rather confronting from a modern perspective, with women doing most of the manual labour while the men drive tractors or idle their time gossiping in the shade. 

All of the rural towns and villages have open sewers in the streets with smells to match. Then there’s rubbish everywhere, some of which is eaten by cows – particularly the paper and cardboard. Fly tipping seems to be a national pastime in India. 

Our accommodation was mainly former palaces and stately homes – or havelis – heritage listed and converted to hotels. In the past there were 6000 royal families in India, and they all seemed to have their own palaces and city houses. Rajasthan in particular is known for the splendour of its royal residences and hotels.

Rajasthan’s lakes and rivers look scenic from a distance but don’t bear close scrutiny because of the pollution and rubbish in them. Air pollution is particularly bad around Delhi and major cities such as Rajasthan’s capital Jaipur – but makes for spectacular sunsets.

Traffic in the towns and cities seems chaotic. The vehicle in front of you claims right of way although you can pass it on either side by sounding your horn. 

Despite the volume of traffic, with sometimes only centimetres between motorcycles, scooters, tuk tuks, tractors, lorries, buses etcetera., major collisions seem uncommon. That said, nearly every vehicle has dents and scratches from the urban combat. 

At first, it’s disconcerting to have vehicles speeding towards you without warning from the roadsides or the wrong way against the traffic. At night, vehicles often don’t use their lights.

The most confronting experience was riding through a one-kilometre tunnel with no lighting, filled with large vehicles, mostly without their lights on, and having to guess what was in front of you. Definitely not a place to stop or fall off a motorbike – or be wearing sunglasses (as I was).

Would I do it again? Probably not – but it was a great experience, and it certainly honed my survival skills.

On a lighter note: God gathered the three most important world leaders – Trump, Xi, and Modi – to announce the end of the world in a month’s time and pass on the message. 

Trump immediately tweeted: “God does exist and misguidedly thinks he can undermine my second term.” 

Xi’s message read: “God exists – and the outlook is bad for China’s economy.” 

Modi tweeted: “God acknowledges an Indian leads the world and, better still, the BJP to remain in power for the foreseeable future.”

Clive Wiliams is a Canberra commentator