“The Internet is the first thing that humanity has built that humanity doesn’t understand.” — Eric Schmidt

SOMETIMES, as we grapple with the world of information technology, it’s nice to look at someone else’s struggle; and think to ourselves: “Thank God that’s not me”.

Recently, I’ve been watching my girlfriend’s struggles with some interest.

Some time ago I decided that paying the Apple tax was worth a quiet life where things mostly worked.

To lay out my tech credentials, I would note that in days gone by I have hand-built computers, taken an angle grinder to components to make them fit in the box, and installed free software operating systems with custom-coded and compiled kernels. Perhaps because of this experience, I like paying extra for Apple products and when things go wrong I walk into the Apple store and a nice person fixes the problem or offers me a solution at a price.

My girlfriend, on the other hand, likes to spend hours online researching the hottest new things.

When her previous Android phone died she identified the best-specced phone at the best price, a snappy LG unit, overseas model, from an Australian online retailer.

As with all new phones, it was pronounced the best phone ever.

When I had a problem with my iPhone charging, I heard no end of praises and hosannas to the robust and open Android ecosystem.
Then I walked into the Apple store. A nice person took my phone out the back to clean the charging port, and came back five minutes later having fixed my problem, this despite having bought the phone from Optus and not from Apple. It’s their phone and they fix it, in this case, for free.

I thought this was pretty impressive compared to messing around with voicemail services and couriers, and phone bank operators frantically misreading scripts in the third world.

Around this time, the praises for the LG phone dried up.

And then, finally, she cracked.

“It’s crap,” she shrieked, as various chips in the unit (bluetooth, wifi) ceased to function.

After a long and confused conversation with LG, the phone was dispatched via courier.

My old android phone was brought out of retirement while she waited to hear from LG and I was most annoyed to discover that with a software update its microphone was working again (the reason I’d gone back to Apple).

This was a temporary reprieve as she proceeded to smash the screen of the loan phone to pieces by repeatedly slamming my car door on it.

LG then attempted to call her to talk about her phone but were unable to get through, because she had no phone.

In extremis she bought a $29 retro phone which makes calls and does text and nothing else. She’s basically travelled back in time to 1995.

LG then announced that, as it was an overseas model phone, it’s none of their business. She has to pay them to courier the broken phone back to her so she can send it to the Australian online retailer, who may or may not do anything about it. All the while, all her friends and family are leaving her behind in Candy Crush Jelly.

Meanwhile, her new Hewlett Packard desktop computer keeps crashing from what might be a dodgy video card, she’s still googling that fault.

From the warm, safe, functional space of the Apple ecosystem I’m trying hard not to be too smug. Really trying to keep my head down.

John Griffiths is the online editor of CityNews.com.au