“Calvary staff will now need to lower their game to fall in line with the nation-trailing standards of Canberra Hospital, writes the ACT Minister for Declining Health Services.

SINCE the government’s announceamacallit that Calvary Public Hospital would be pulverised sometime after lunch next Tuesday, a lot of people have asked me, “what’s the rush?” Well, that, and some things best left to a sailor’s bar. 

These “citizens”, I think you call them, look at me with teary eyes and say things like, “Please, for God’s sake, Rachel, can’t you just leave a perfectly fine hospital alone?”

After they blubber on some more, I usually have to get my Health CEO, Dave Peffer, or some underling to wrench their clammy hands off me, so I can get back to my scheming. 

Don’t these people know that there’s an election next year? With our parlous health system, we desperately need to hoodwink voters that we are super busy in the health space. Plus, who doesn’t love kicking the Catholics these days? It’s not like we’re going to lose any votes in the ACT over that.

Anyway, the point is that we need to suddenly look like we’re awake and doing something. It’s not enough for me to announce a new bit of scaffolding at Canberra Hospital every month. Or talk about how innovative we are that our future hospitals will run on electricity rather than, I dunno, whatever they are currently running on. Candles? Magic? Hope? Dave – fill this bit in for me

But don’t worry, my giddy trail of destruction will be handled with the utmost of compassion for all of those in the strafing line. Where the Catholics had Mother Mary as their guiding light, there will now be me, Rachel, Our Mother of Perpetual Misery.

I’ve outsourced a lot of my caring to the saintly people at PwC and have asked Dave to erect a bronze statue of me in the Calvary foyer so that patients can rub my holy clipboard for good luck. Good luck, of course, being our more cost-effective alternative to management in the new hospital.

And what of the name, Calvary? Well, obviously that will need to be ditched for something more progressive and in keeping with rubbing those Catholic bastards’ noses in it. 

I met with the Chief Minister about this the other day over a peach-noted civet coffee in Kingston. As the chief was checking with the wait staff that his coffee was properly flash-brewed to 90°C, he said that he’d leave all the healtho stuff with me but was excited to be hands-on with the new Calvary name. 

Then he bolted to the airport to get a flight to New York so he could quiz the top marketing mavens about the most “boss” name. “In a tricky transition like this, making sure people have a good name to go to will be key, Rachel,” he said, as he left me with the bill.

And what of the staff at Calvary? Doctor-and-nurse types, I think. How will they face our randomly-inflicted uncertainty, you ask? Or is that the voice of my conscience giving me a headache again? 

Well, Calvary staff will now need to lower their game to fall in line with the nation-trailing standards of Canberra Hospital. Dave Peffer and the Canberra Health Services team will be standing by with their phones on voicemail to assist all staff in this transition. Dave has even promised to update his “Clinical Governance Rap” (google it) to include Calvary. 

Yes, I have every confidence that before long, Calvary staff will either be driving to work in Goulburn Hospital or hiding in a supply closet as bedlam breaks out across their ward.

So, the debate with Calvary is over, people. It finished after you all first saw it on the news. Our fully integrated destruction of the Canberra hospital system is happening whether we understand what we’re doing or not. 

Now, let’s all work together to ensure all Canberrans are well served with positive press releases between now and the election.