Some of Vince’s signs. 

“Whimsey” columnist CLIVE WILLIAMS introduces Vince the sign guy, whose April Fool’s Day joke has made the American a global sensation, one sign at a time.  

NEVER heard of Vince the sign guy?

Five years ago, Colorado resident Vince Rozmiarek put up an amusing sign near the Indian Hills Community Center as an April Fool’s Day joke. To his surprise, people enjoyed the sign, and he has been regularly updating them ever since.

Some examples of his light-hearted humour or – since he’s American – humor:

• Welcome to the assumption club! I think we all know why we’re here.
• Some people are such treasures you just want to bury them.
• Somebody’s therapist knows all about you.
• I didn’t mean to press all your buttons. I was just trying to hit mute.
• Good Moms let you lick the beaters. Great Moms turn them off first.
• To the thief who took my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy.
• Feeling a bit paranoid? Remember… you’re not alone.
• Being in debt attracts a lot of interest from bankers.
• Fruit farmers eat what they can and can what they can’t.
• I was in a band called the Hinges. We opened for the Doors.
• Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.
• My doctor says I have high nitrates so I’m switching to day rates.
• Man in boxers leads police in brief chase.
• To spell the word panda you just need a p and a.
• Boarding school taught me how to get on an airplane.
• Please cancel my subscription to your issues.
• When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.
• A tombstone with a typo? Well, that’s a grave mistake.
• It wouldn’t have been Wright if Ford invented the airplane.
• Women’s roofing expo this weekend. All the shingle ladies will be there.
• I have a black eye in karate.
• Larva was a great band before the Beatles emerged.
• My landlord wants to talk about my high heating bills. I told him my door is always open.
• My wife told me to put ketchup on the shopping list. Now I can’t read anything.
• I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones I’m getting lately.
• I made a chicken salad last night. Apparently, they prefer grain.
• To make a long story short I became an editor.
• It doesn’t make any cents, but volunteering is rewarding.
• My wife and I can’t count calories and we have the figures to prove it.
• Failure is success in progress.
• Honk if you think geese can understand you.
• There are no such things as vampires. Unless you Count Dracula.
• I’m reading a book on lubrication. It’s non-friction.
• Frankenstein was angry because his doctor was overcharging him.
• I don’t have the faintest idea why I passed out.
• Skinny cows have slimmer calves.
• Common sense is like deodorant. Those who need it most never use it.
• Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

• 

  If your cup is only half full you probably need a different bra.

• With great reflexes comes great response ability.
• Acupuncture is a jab well done.
• The hardest thing about learning to ride a horse is the ground.
• Any stairway can be a stairway to heaven if you’re clumsy enough.
• I believe in the hereafter. When I enter a room, I have to recall what I’m hereafter.

If you want more of Vince, he now has a website at vincethesignguy.com

Clive Williams is a Canberra columnist.