Columnist HUGH SELBY mixes lots of fiction with a little fact to conjure up some telling ironies in American politics.

Good evening. We interrupt our news coverage with breaking news from the White House in Washington…

This afternoon the president suffered a medical mishap while at work in the Oval Office.

The press secretary has held a press conference. Here we report the main points, supplemented by some commentary.

First, that there were no warning signs of this event. The president is conscious but neither ambulatory nor capable of speech. Be assured that both will come back in the fullness of time.

Meantime, the vice president has the necessary codes to deal with any cataclysmic event. Everyone can sleep soundly.

Second, that the president’s known issues with memory recall, confusion with word use, gait problems and lack of insight into his cognitive limitations are being appropriately and effectively managed by his 24/7 team of medical specialists who are committed to his maintaining sufficient “soundness of mind” to enable the daily functions of the White House to continue until 2029.

It followed that there was no need or warrant to consider the removal of the president, under article 2, section 1 of the constitution on the grounds of “Inability to discharge the Powers and Duties of the… Office”.

As there is no known mechanism for using that provision in the case of an office holder with the powers of a 17th century European monarch, it is thought best to continue with the present approach: see no problem, hear no problem, speak no problem.

Consistent with that approach the White House wished to scotch the rumours that a double had been used to stand in as the president in public events. Listeners might recall actor Alec Baldwin’s Trump-like appearances during the covid years. We celebrate his recent trial success where the trial judge dismissed the serious criminal charge against him that flowed from the gunshot death on his Rust film set. 

Film buffs would also recall either or both Akira Kurosawa’s film Kagemusha (meaning a double), or the noble death of the hero’s closest friend who was the young Chinese king’s double in the first film in the Kingdom’ series on Netflix. Such use of a double was simply entertainment for the masses: it was not a technique being used by the White House, definitely, definitively not.

Before moving to the next point the press secretary noted that social media comment that drew parallels from the history/play/film, Madness of King George (who lost the War of Independence to the nation’s founders) to the present condition of the president were un-American and probably instigated by Russian and Chinese saboteurs of democracy. 

We cannot fail to comment that King George, despite his intermittent bouts of mental illness, was more controlled by parliament than the president is controlled by Congress. He reigned for decades, not a mere four or eight years. The British Empire grew a lot during his reign. The American Empire is not doing so well.

Third, that the president would not be appearing at any media or other public events anytime soon, or perhaps ever. His health could be jeopardised by such traumatic events, especially as there was the near certainty that his political opponents, both inside and outside the party, would seek to stir up trouble and create unnecessary public disquiet about his ability to lead the nation.

Fourth, as to the role of the vice-president: the VP is presently overseas meeting with leaders who have common cause with the US. These talks focus upon the continued funding of the proxy war between the Free West and Russia in which Ukrainian towns and their civilians are serving as the test sites for new weaponry produced in the West and, so it is said, by the Iranians.

The VP is now in Australia where their government has, as usual, done the right thing. Last year it was signing up to support the building of nuclear submarines. This year the timely discovery of a filthy nest of two spies – not Chinese, not North Korean, but allegedly Russian to best fit the topical political narrative – was the welcome gift as the VP checked out our top secret bases.

As an aside, in mid-2024 the conservative majority of the US Supreme Court had held that the president, any president, had carte blanche to do as he pleased, when he pleased, to whoever he pleased.

Some listeners will recall fictional politician Francis Urquhart’s catchphrase “You might think that, but I couldn’t possibly comment” from  the original British or later US remake of the political thriller series House of Cards.

Those same listeners might also recall the tragic end of some misguided democracy idealists in a car explosion. The dissent in the recent US Supreme Court case singled out orchestrated  political assassination as a possible consequence of the majority reasoning. That possibility was explored in the original version of this article written the day before real bullets flew.

This week’s failed attempt by a young American to kill a presidential candidate is a sober warning of the use of desperate measures when political powerhouses treat the citizenry as mugs.

Hugh Selby is the CityNews legal columnist

For all our sakes, Joe, it’s time to go