“It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.” –Jerry Seinfeld

Anyone who writes for the newspapers knows that the heading they’ve provided will probably not survive through to the final publication.

Headings are an important responsibility of sub-editors, who may or may not have read and understood what the author has provided. Frustratingly, a sub-editor’s heading may send the reader off in a completely wrong direction – or misrepresent the article that follows.

However, it should be acknowledged that they work under extreme time pressures and can be tired from working odd hours and may not see the ambiguity of what they’ve written. So it’s understandable if they sometimes get it wrong (you’re too kind, Clive – ed).

I’ve been looking for examples of amusing headlines from international newspapers, and here are a few:

• Homeless Man Under House Arrest

• Hospitals Resort to Hiring Doctors

• Man Competent Enough to be Declared Insane

• Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

• Murderer Says Detective Ruined His Reputation

• County To Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds

• Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons

• Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

• Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

• Drunks Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

• Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

• Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

• Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

• British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

• Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

• Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead

• Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

• Miners Refuse to Work After Death

• Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

• Stolen Painting Found by Tree

• If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

• Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

• Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

• New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

• Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

• Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

• Lawyer Says Client Is Not That Guilty.

• Alzheimer’s Centre Prepares For An Affair To Remember

• Gas Cloud Clears Out Taco Bell.

• The Boston Globe ran a story on the Ford/Volvo deal titled: “Have You Driven a Fjord Lately?”

• Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty

• Man Jumps off 2nd Street Bridge. Neither Jumper nor Body Found

• After Detour to California Shuttle Returns to Earth

• Fried Chicken Cooked In Microwave Wins Trip

• Woman Improving After Fatal Crash

• Properly Drafted Will Reduces Anxiety After Death

• Study Reveals Those Without Insurance Die More Often

• Experts Increase Probability of Big Quake in California

• Man Found Dead In Cemetery

• Gunfire In Sarajevo Threatens Ceasefire

• Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

• Deer Kill 17,000

• Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

• Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

• British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

• Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

• New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

• Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

• Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

• Man Steals Clock, Faces Time

• Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

• Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

• Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

• Hospitals Sued by Seven Foot Doctors

• Marijuana Issue Sent To A Joint Committee

• Messiah Climaxes In Chorus Of Hallelujahs

• Married Priests In Catholic Church A Long Time Coming

• Governor Chiles Offers Rare Opportunity To Goose Hunters

• Would She Climb To The Top Of Mr. Everest Again? Absolutely!

• Thanks To President Clinton, Staff Sgt. Fruer Now Has a Son

• Starr Aghast at First Lady Sex Position

• Police Found Pot Plants Were Cannabis

• Organ Festival Ends in Smashing Climax

• Rose Petroleum Jelly Keeps Idle Tools Rust-free

• Textron Inc. Makes Offer to Screw Company Stockholders

As Mark Twain once opined: “If you don’t read the newspaper, you’re uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you’re misinformed.”

Clive Williams ho/hum is a Canberra columnist