Parton / No bad ideas here, comrades

Columnist MARK PARTON channels the chief minister in a pre-Budget whiteboard brainstorm that might or might not have happened (probably not)

THANKS to you all for coming; let’s get into it.

As you know, Shane’s not going to compromise on his power-sharing deal so we’re stuck with this bloody train, but I really don’t know how we’re going to pay for it.

Mark Parton.

Mark Parton.

I’ve racked my brain thinking of fundraising ideas, but I’m out of them. I need your help. I need to deliver this Budget in less than a week and it’s not looking good at the moment.

So, no idea is a bad idea, government members; I’m looking for creative ways to raise revenue to pay for this train… come on. Simon’s ready at the whiteboard for them.

Yes, Yvette?

A motorists’ levy on use of indicators? A dollar each time? When was the last time you drove the Parkway, Yvette? That’d only raise a few hundred dollars a week across the whole city?

Anything else?

Simon, yes?

Tripling rates? Nah, we’ve done that already.

No, we’ve already sold ACTTAB. Joy, concentrate… please stay with us.

What else? Yes, Chris?

You reckon charge the punters for parking in the city till 11 o’clock at night and a levy on Ricky Stuart dummy spits?

Excellent ideas. I think they’ve both got merit. I probably lean more towards the Ricky Stuart idea. Plenty of photo opportunities at sporting grounds. Underline that one please Simon if you could.

I think there might be a backlash over paid parking at night time Chris, but as I said, no idea is a bad idea in here… keep them coming.

Simon, there’s only so much we get out of motor registration fees, but I’ll take it on board.

Surely there’s a way we can squeeze more money out of restaurateurs and small businesses because they’re doing well aren’t they?

No, Mick, we will not be imposing a tax on discarded shipping containers. Enough from you, thanks.

Are you getting these Simon, a yoga tax, a woodfire levy and soy latte tax… these are great.

Oh, hang on Shane’s just sent me an SMS

He says: “Why not hold a big community barbecue as a fundraiser. Kangaroo steaks after the cull.”

I’m not sure if he’s serious or not.

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