Having gone the distance in the political ring all these years, ANDREW BARR-BRAWLER says it’s time to reflect on his legacy. 

BOBBING and weaving as your Chief Minister has been a hard slog. But having gone the distance in the political ring for all these years, the bell is now ding-dinging and it’s time for me to reflect on my legacy. 

How will history applaud me? With the roar of a fevered crowd or with crickets and the cocked head of a baffled dog? 

My combative hero, Napoleon, once said: “To understand the man, you need to understand the world of the boy.” 

So, let me give you a blow-by-blow account of how I became the heavy hitter that I am today. 

As a child, I hit the ol’ development wall pretty fast. Once I reached toddlerhood, I thought – yep, I’m staying right here, thanks pal. I used to love banging my little fists and screaming about my terror toy rights. I didn’t pull any punches. I knew then that the world was my oyster and I would become the irritant in its shell. 

Later on, I went to Lyneham High, where I picked a fight with the principal to force him to let me wear whatever I liked. I even brought my mum into it. You see, the old bastard wanted me to throw in my towel and be like the other kids. As if! 

Years later, when I was the ACT Education Minister, I actually championed school uniforms as one of my policies. I think my ring doctor at the time said it was a sign of my repressed hypocrisy. Of course, I later came out as a completely open hypocrite and was warmly welcomed within the thriving Canberra hypocrisy scene. 

Leaving school, I continued to enjoy being divisive and became a regular brawler in student politics while doing my easy-as BA at the ANU. I’m not sure what policies I was fighting for, but I once told some scummy Liberal chick to get a great woolly dog up her. Happy days, happy days.

Leaving uni, I briefly toyed with getting a real job before someone wafted the smelling salts under my nose and I came to my senses. I instead got a job as a party hack, working for (well, fighting against) Jon Stanhope and then John Hargreaves until they couldn’t stand me any longer. 

Then I decided to run for Molongolo as a cruisy MLA

By 2004, I was jack of the whole “working” caper and decided to run for Molongolo as a cruisy MLA. The ungrateful bastards didn’t want me at first, but I was as persistent as claret on the mat, and eventually got elected in 2006. Once in government, I was at it again, pummelling my opponents to eventually snatch the heavyweight crown of chief minister in 2014. 

Of course, once you win the top prize, that’s it. What else is there to do? Who do you fight? That stumped me for a bit until I discovered I could fight the feds, I could clout the Catholics, I could rope-a-dope the opposition, I could thump the media, I could deck the doctors and I could clobber those community councils. Heck, I even shadow-boxed myself on most of my policy positions. 

So, what’s my legacy after all that slogging? Um… well… there’s… um… And, of course… 

Look, being an old bloke now, the ol’ noggin’s a bit punchy and not what it used to be. Funny thing, though… I used to love a bit of fisticuffs with all the geriatric geezers in this town. But now I’m an old fogey myself, I… 

Hold on a minute, Nurse Rach is at the door. Sorry, is that a syringe? What?! No, Rachel, I don’t care if it’s our new policy for insufferable oldies, I’m not doing voluntary-assisted anything! What?! Yvette, you’re here, too?! You should be fighting Tories and your electorate, not me! No, stuff your going gentle into that good night! 

Ouch! That was an unexpected jab…

Oh no… head spinning… going down for the count…you don’t understand, I coulda been a contender, I coulda been somebody…

“KEEPING UP THE ACT” is a satirical column devoted to poking fun at ACT politics.