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Canberra Today 14°/17° | Wednesday, November 29, 2023 | Digital Edition | Crossword & Sudoku

Stay tuned to your daffy dials, Ken Behrens!

“Whatsabout we set up a factory at the Old Bus Depot markets. Canberra Glassworks could make the windscreens, the Canberra Knitters could crochet the chassis… hey presto, Canberra suddenly leads the world in organic cars!”

In this exclusive column, our ever-lovin’ CHIEF DUDERINO says that in the lead up to the 2024 election they’re going to flick the loony switch: “I’d like to tell you everything we have planned, except we don’t even know ourselves! That’s how bonkers it is!”

I KNOW a lot of Canberrans have been pumped at how cray-cray we have become as a government. 

What with experimenting with hard drugs, mucking around with suicide, cluelessly taking over private institutions, weighing into the war in Gaza, flying to Antarctica and Los Angeles, getting our teachers to ditch that reading-writing BS, setting up parliamentary inquiries into tampons, shoving $28.5 million down the shorts of a surprised Sydney AFL team, making all manner of impossible bans by 2025, having MLAs with titles like “Spokesperson for the Night Economy”, blowing $93 million on some bodgy HR software and, of course, our much beloved CIT systems and complexity thinkers. 

How much better is all that than just having us empty your rubbish bins? 

But hey gang, strap yourself into your silly-seats, ‘cause things are gunnna get even screwier. Yep, we’re positively high on the crazy-juice at the moment, and in the lead up to the 2024 election we’re going to flick the loony switch to goddamn insane! 

I’d like to tell you everything we have planned except we don’t even know ourselves! That’s how bonkers it is! I mean, I could be chillin’ on the couch one night, watching some sci-fi movie, and the next day I could be announcing the first intersex space voyage to Neptune! 

But. look, what I can tell you is this – we’ve done the voluntary-assisted dying thingo, where we helped people kill themselves. We’ve done the voluntary-assisted lying bizzo where we’ve helped people believe us. We’ve done the voluntary-assisted sighing, with our tired incompetence. And we’ve done the voluntary-assisted shying, where we’ve shied away from doing our basic council duties. Now, all that remains is the big one – involuntary-twisted crying! 

This is where we really up the ante and do something so blisteringly rad that even our thirstiest adherents nostril-spurt out the Kool-Aid. 

Here are a few ideas that are literally flowing from my fingers as I thumb this into Notes on my phone. 

Well, for starters, you probably heard me going on about how community councils are so “20th century” and that, as a modern dictatorship, we need to embrace more progressive tools for community assimilation. That is why I’m thinking we set up an ACT Minister for Memes. This dude, dudette, or dudeit, would be responsible for checking the latest social media crazes and making sure everyone was hep to them. 

So, like, if everyone is doing the Toosie Slide on TikTok, then this needs to be made official ACT policy! Our few remaining police would then be tasked to ruthlessly comb Canberra’s nightclubs to ensure people are sliding properly and not embarrassing us. 

Okay thumbs, where are we going next? Whatsabout we take on Tesla and start making our own eco-cars? We could set up a factory at the Old Bus Depot markets. The Canberra Glassworks could make the windscreens, the Canberra Knitters could crochet the chassis and some sparkie from the local Men’s Shed could do the electrical. 

Then, hey presto, whammo bammo – Canberra suddenly leads the world in organic cars! Of course, it would be compulsory that every ACT resident have one by 2025, and I’m thinking we call our auto something zesty, like “The Lemon.” 

Or how about we spray paint every inch of the ACT in the rainbow pride colours so that we can be seen from outer space as the Rainbow Capital?! 

Or howsabout we legislate voting rights for pets?! Or get the CIT to invent time travel so we can go back and change the Voice vote? Or repeal those oppressive laws of gravity that those old-dead-white-guy scientists bullied us into? 

Well, that takes us to January. After that? Well, it all depends on what drugs we take… but stay tuned to your daffy dials, Ken Behrens – we’re gunna freeze your brains into bubble-gum slushies! 

And if you think things can’t get any crazier around here, then just wait ‘til the next full moon. Arrroooo…

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