Awards season is upon us once again, so KEEPING UP THE ACT has gowned-up to look at this year’s winners of the ACT-cademy Awards… 

Worst Vision, Worst Actor, Worst Director

Wisenheimer by Andrew Barr

True to his dictionary definition of being “a person who behaves in an irritatingly smug and arrogant fashion”, Wisenheimer has once again shown us that Andrew Barr is the man to beat when it comes to nuclear-level chutzpah. 

From promising us his seventh stadium to arguing that deficits were surpluses, Mr Barr audaciously suspends disbelief in this epic tale of Canberra bombs. 

The level of Mr Barr’s devastation is truly sobering as he lays waste to hospitals, schools, the police, prisons and the justice system. “I am tram, destroyer of buses!” says Atomic Andy at one point, in a fit of progressive rage. 

Regrettably, not to be missed.

Runner-Up – Poor Things by all the rest of Canberra

It was good to see the ACT-cademy recognise the poor suffering citizens of Canberra in this year’s underdog film, Poor Things. However, while having the better narrative, Canberra’s Poor Things couldn’t possibly compete with the plutonium bombast of Andrew Barr’s Wisenheimer and Barr-be. 

Worst Foreign Director 

Anatomy of a Fall by Zed Seselja and the Canberra Liberals

Since losing power in 2001, what has happened to the Canberra Liberals to see them so completely fall from grace? Foreign director (some might say, interferer), Zed Seselja, blithely overlooks how a combination of conservatism and cack-handedness contributed to his party’s political descent. 

“It’s because of same-sex marriage!” fumes the clueless, Zed. 

Don’t miss the post-credits scene where an empty chair becomes the next leader in the depressing Liberal Cinematic Universe. 

Best Visual Effects 

Guardians of the Fantasy III by the ACT Greens

In the latest of this goofball series, Greens leader, Shane “Ratto” Rattenbury and his rag-tag team of virtue-signalling misfits, must, once again, defend Canberra from imaginary forces of evil. 

The stunts in this latest chapter are next level. At one point, Shane holds a press conference to ban Israeli plasticised-coal from being used in straws, while, in the background, Summernat V8s let loose their petrol-dripping exhausts to shred Clark-loads of rubber! 

But hypocrisy is raised to nail-biting levels in the finale, when Rebecca “The Wrecker” Vassarotti calls on the Guardians to save a poor bunny-wunny on City Hill, while a large mob of kangaroos are ruthlessly mowed down in front of her. You’ll be Green about the gills watching this stuff! 

Runner-Up – Zones of No-Interest by the Labor/Green Noalition

Taking in huge swathes of Canberra outside of the inner-north, Zones of No-Interest follows on from last year’s Oscar-winner, All Quiet on the Southern Front. 

Best Un-Sound Production 

Wonky supported by the Labor/Green Noalition

“Come with me, you’ll be… in a world of pure imagination…” So begins the stirring intro to this fanciful story of a magical rainbow-land in the middle of NSW that is ruled by the capricious candy-king, Andy “Wiley” Wonky, and his unhappy workforce of Glumpa Lumpas. 

At first, the flashy Wonky appears to show warmth for the children in his care. But it’s not long before we see his sinister side, as he purrs with pleasure in punishing those who don’t adhere to his peculiar ways. 

“A fat rate-rise for you, Augustus Gloop! A 40kp/h speeding fine for you, Violet Beauregarde! No affordable house for you, Verruca Salt!” 

Best Animated Production 

Mission Impossible: Red Reckoning by the Canberra Independents

Battling incredible odds, the Canberra Independents are back in this race against time to overthrow a dictatorial regime ravaging Canberra. Featuring, Peter “Still Going” Strong, Thomas “Not the Light-bulb Guy” Emerson, and “Bellicose” Bill Stefaniak, this team of disgruntled daredevils recklessly throw themselves into the dangerous world of ACT politics where angels fear to tread, but plenty of fools rush in. 

Do they have policies? Nah. Do they have candidates? Nope. Do they have a rainbow slushie’s chance in Hell? Nuh-uh!