“My preferred method of food storage has a tendency to completely overfill the fridge… If something can go in the fridge, why wouldn’t you put it in the fridge?” PAUL DORIN has some confessions when it comes to clearing the table…

It’s the age-old question that has divided households, friendships and, quite possibly, entire families: what belongs in the fridge, and what belongs in the cupboard?

There are probably experts who can tell us exactly how food should be stored. There are guidelines, recommendations and people who appear on television wearing serious expressions while explaining the correct temperature for a jar of something I’ve never heard of.

But there will always be differences of opinion.

So, I think it’s time I came clean. I’m prepared to be judged. I’ve accepted that some people may never look at me, or my refrigerator, in quite the same way again.

This confession has come about because my friends have developed a very effective system whenever I help clear the table.

They no longer ask me to put anything away. Instead, I’m kindly told: “Just put everything on the bench.” 

Apparently, this is because my preferred method of food storage has a tendency to completely overfill the fridge. And, in my defence, I don’t see the problem. If something can go in the fridge, why wouldn’t you put it in the fridge?

So here, with no further excuses, some my highly questionable list of what you’ll find inside my refrigerator:

• Tomato and barbecue sauce 
• Mustard
• Soy sauce
• Butter
• Bread after two days 
• Peanut butter 
• Honey 
• Cereal 
• Snack chips 
• Biscuits 
• Crackers 
• Rolled oats 
• Eggs 
• Pickles 
• Most fruits and tomatoes 

At least in my mind, there is method behind my madness. I like things fresh. If I open a packet of chips, have a few handfuls and don’t touch them again for a week, I want them to be just as fresh and crunchy when the next craving hits.

It’s the same with biscuits and cereal. Why risk them going stale? At least that’s my justification.

At this point, you may be wondering whether I actually own a cupboard.

I do. It’s just mostly decorative.

The downside of my system is that fridge space becomes a highly valuable commodity. Every time I open the door, it’s like playing Tetris. Move the milk, shift the jam, squeeze in the cheese. Eventually something has to come out, and it’s usually the person standing in front of the fridge.

Then there’s Vegemite. If you open my fridge, you will find a jar of Vegemite. But this is strictly for emergencies, such as when visitors ask for it.

For me, handling Vegemite is less about making toast and more about managing a potential contamination incident. The Hazmat suit goes on. The gloves are fitted. The knife and plate must be decontaminated to perfection. And once the Vegemite has been safely returned to the fridge, the entire operation is considered complete.

Then there’s butter. Butter belongs in the fridge. Absolutely. The problem is that eventually someone wants to spread it on bread. And that’s when you discover you’ve created your own domestic crisis. You take the butter out of the fridge, attack it with a knife and attempt to spread a block of something with the structural integrity of a house brick across a perfectly innocent slice of bread. The bread doesn’t stand a chance. It tears. It folds. It develops emotional scars. Meanwhile, the butter remains completely unmoved. 

And then there’s chocolate. The only chocolate you’ll find in my fridge is a KitKat. Every other chocolate belongs in a dark, cool spot in the cupboard. I’m not completely unreasonable.

Interestingly, having this discussion with my aunty, she told me she has even stored non-food items such as lipstick and nail polish in her fridge. I’m all for keeping things cool, but my fridge is crowded enough without having to make room for a make-up department.

If you’re ever invited to my house and I ask you to put something away, just remember one thing: When in doubt, put it in the fridge. If it doesn’t fit, we’ll make room. The cupboard can wait.

Paul Dorin is the CityNews cartoonist.

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